Thursday, 31 July 2014

Stories of The Order - Food

Those who are part of the highest ranks of the order never eat any of the food that regular citizens eat. We do not know what your hamburgers taste like, your pizzas, your soft drinks or your alcoholic beverages. We are aware of how poisonous and disgusting they really are and we can see the results of your dietary habits in the way you look.

A person from the order who is 30 years old actually looks like a regular citizen who is 18 to 20. We are a decade younger in terms of our body aging process than any of you. We have diets that are made up of special pills that contain all the nutrients we need on a daily basis. We have toned and fit bodies and we do not suffer from many fatal diseases that plague the world. The secret to this life is already out there but most people prefer to eat garbage fast food and drinks.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014


It was patented as a life saving apparatus. How it saves your life is mostly any ones guess. Care to take one?

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Mutants

The Order is well aware of the nerds playing dungeons and dragons in their basements. We also are aware of the conversations they are having about comic books and how they wish they had mutant powers. Let it be known that the order has stopped all uprisings that would turn into mutant beings from the start. Today, if there is any mutation it will kill or destroy itself immediately. Just look at the two headed snakes, sheep, and many other animals that have tried to defy us. Look at the conjoined twins and deformities that are incurable, that is our handy work.

How did we do this? Well, we run all medical facilities. We spot cell generation and we squash it outright. There will be no mutant uprising on our watch, not one. Whenever a doctor is called, whenever a nurse delvers a baby in an elevator, we are there, and we stop mutants. So go back to the basement, read your X-Men comics and wish upon a star, because we’ll squash those too. Just when you think that someone is a mutant, you will come to the shocking conclusion that it’s nothing more than cheap parlor tricks, magic, and those that claim they can “freak your mind”. Right. Nothing more than circus acts. Real mutants get snuffed out by The Order.
You’re welcome.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Counting Sheep

I am not sure what this is supposed to protect sheep against but if you need to protect sheep, get a great sheep protector.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Superheroes

The Order not only stopped all mutants, we also stopped all superheroes from coming to prominence. All it takes is one look through the chronicles of history to see that all vigilantes have been snuffed out, taken out on the streets by workers within The Order. We systematically take on any uprising through disasters of all types. The closest uprising that came through was the one parodied in “Watchmen”. An alien invasion, a super-mutant, right, it was us. We squashed the rebellion, set up an army, created a cold war, and made sure that all major superheroes were placed in disastrous areas.

Vigilantes are not taken seriously by The Order, but we do not want anyone trying to trump us and our control. Not that they can, but we would rather not have to deal with a public nuisance. It is why Batman is only fiction, and not reality. We made sure to snuff out his parents early, and make his story one of cartoonish proportions. Same with Matt Murdoch, his dad was a degenerate gambler, we fixed him fast. He’s not exactly fighting crime right now, he’s in a care facility, thinking he’s fighting crime. If you think you’re going to trump our cronies in law enforcement, think again. You’re welcome.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Moon

It has always been said that the landing on the moon was staged, but the truth is that it wasn’t staged. The one thing that is staged is the moon. It was created by the order to survey the entire planet and keep things in order. There moon is exactly what science fiction would call a space station. It’s actually not there just to see what is going on inside of our planet, but also to check what kind of activity is happening in the universe just to make sure we don’t get attacked. The secret will be officially out when trips to the moon are allowed commercially.

There are actually whole cities inside of the structure of the moon which are already inhabited. The people who live there got sent over at a very young age and are now adults, but there are children being sent every year. There are no adults ever sent to the moon with very few exceptions. Most of the adults inside the moon grew up there. The exterior of the moon is indeed very lonely and no one is allowed to go out there.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Automatic Tipping

No longer to you have to wish people good day. As you go by your hat will automatically tip itself for you. Ready for one?

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Witches

We have all seen the horror movies with all sorts of monsters and urban legends. We all got scared of going to bed at night because the boogeyman might be under it. There is a very primal fear that we have for the unknown and this fear is heightened when we realize that some of those monsters actually exist. The scariest part is that they don’t look ugly or disfigured. They are actually pretty good looking in most cases. We are talking about witches and their ancient practices which are very much real.

A witch is able to do things that no other human being is capable of and there was a time when they even attempted to infiltrate the order with their witchcraft. The solution that the order came up with was to recruit the most powerful witches in the world and make them work for us. This was the only way to keep the rest of the witches in control and make sure they remained undercover, but they did have plans to take over the world until we assured them that this would be the end of civilization as we know it because the order would retaliate with full force.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Do the splits

Split pants could be making a wave somewhere near you soon. Now you have 2 zippers to worry about.

Friday, 18 July 2014

Stories of The Order - Aliens

The fascination that society has with aliens is not something strange at all because it only takes some common sense to understand that there is no way we are alone in this universe. The most important thing to consider is that alien forces have not invaded the planet simply because the order has managed to create a peaceful trading of resources that goes completely undercover to most of the world. Area 51 is actually the largest hoax surrounding the alien stories and the real areas that have alien life forms are in locations that people would least expect.

There are several species that are constantly displaying aggressive feelings towards earth and they have stated many times that they would rather take over our planet than have diplomatic relations with humans, but thankfully we have found the perfect defensive measures against them and this is why they don’t attack our planet. 

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Russia

Russia is actually the country with the largest number of people who have soldier DNA and are basically too much of threat as a nation and this is why it had to be broken up. There was a plan to take over the entire planet and unfortunately the Russians have always been against the order. Some of them actually left the order because they wanted all the power to themselves and this is why they decided to start their own project to control the planet. It was almost a success but the order new that they had to be stopped at any cost if the world was to be free.

There is still too much left to be done as far as peace and equal rights go, but there is no doubt that the order will do whatever it takes to restore balance in any location of the world, even if this means that sacrifices have to be made.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


If you love the smell of old people then you will be the first in line to pick up this old person scented doll. Are you ready?

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Unicorns

There is no other mythical creature that has as much power and visual appeal as the unicorn, but the truth is that this animal is very much real and the reason we don’t see any of them out in the wild is that the order made sure that all unicorns got captured and set to the moon. The problem is that their unicorn is made of a material that has more strength and value than gold and this basically turned the animal into a moving target for criminals.

There are over 500 unicorns inside the facilities of the moon and they are truly beautiful creatures. They look very much like regular horses do with the exception of being larger and of course having the unicorns. There are plans to let the world know of their existence when the moon project is unveiled. If everything goes according to plan this could happen in the next two decades.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Shark Bait

Protect yourself from sharks with this great pointy suit. Do you think they nailed it?

Friday, 11 July 2014

Stories of the Order - War

War is a terrible thing that leaves entire nations with death and destruction. The order is very aware of this and the decision to allow war to occur is never easy. The true reason why these events are allowed is because nations need to resolve certain conflicts without out intervention if we are to remain anonymous. There is only so much that we can do to maintain order and peace and there are some issues that need to take a natural course. Unfortunately the nature of men is always to wage war against those who oppose him.

This is actually the main reason why the order exists, because without it the entire planet would already be destroyed. We have managed to keep war at a minimum and the atrocities that have occurred all over the world are nothing compared to what would happen if the order wasn’t here. There would really be no world at this point.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Pyramids

Scientists often wonder how the pyramids got built by such a primitive civilization and the answer to that is very simple, it wasn’t built by primitive civilizations. It was built by the order, which has been technologically advanced for centuries. We have been watching society evolve into technological advances and medical advances that we have enjoyed for a long time. There is a cure for cancer already, also for aids and for most diseases known to man. The headquarters to all of these creations are buried deep inside the grounds of the pyramids.

People can visit the pyramid and try to look for this secret entries but the technology used to conceal them is far too advanced for the current primitive minds of the human beings that live outside of the order parameters. Just rest assured that enough technology will be made available to the world when the time is right. The cure for terrible diseases will also be massively available.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Easy Ads

Advertise and protect your eyes at the same time. What could go wrong?

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Chicken

The Order has created the chicken first. Not the egg. The egg came as a creation afterwards, to distract you from the fact that we control everything. What is the chicken for? The mighty chicken, was created to infiltrate and steal away information with relative ease. Every egg is a transmitter of information, your conversations, your ideas, they all flow into the yellow of the egg. Egg whites take the transmission and release it into vapor when cooked, and the yolk takes your ideas and clogs your arteries with them, so that you literally die a slow death.

You laugh now, but consider the rooster. King chicken, he will and has pecked out the eyes and hearts of many a strong man. Crooners like Vicente Fernandez has spoken of mighty roosters and their power, as the chicken is the ultimate weapon. Unassuming, laid back, and dominant cross us or the chicken and push forward the salmonella envelope of your demise. Sure, eat up now, but we created the chicken to deceive the nations, and establish our world order, one that knows all, senses all, and tastes good when mashed into a Frankenstein monster of a food (the nugget). Come to think of it, you don’t deserve to know why the order created the chicken, so eat up, while we allow it. You’re welcome.

Monday, 7 July 2014

Upside Down

Confuse bystanders as you walk about town in the inverted mask. Which way is up?

Friday, 4 July 2014

Stories of The Order - Rain

The Order would like to tell you about the rain. Ever notice the grey skies? The water comes down and it can flood and back up so fast. The reason why things are grey is because we use grey water, or as you may know it as the flushing water in the toilet bowl. Whenever there is a flush, a bit of it gets sent straight to the skies. When the rain falls, you are enjoying a bath in recycled, reused, grey water from the toilets and showers across the world. During sporting events like the World Cup, an extra amount of flushing happens during the half time periods, and that contributes to the rain water.

The next time you feel droplets, open up your mouth and say, ahhh…because The Order is generously providing you with water. Next time someone is discussing grey water, just think about the flushing of the toilets around the world, because without those things in the sky, there would be no rain. Notice the smell, the taste, and the darkness that comes as a result of the rain and you will understand. If you don’t understand, that’s too bad. Oh and don’t think about curtailing your flushing, we’ll flush for you if we have to, we can do that. You’re welcome.

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Mind Control

The Sovereign Order controls everything you think. You’re disagreeing with the notion right now, see. We already knew you would be skeptical, because we allow skepticism to infiltrate your mind’s eye. You’re shaking your head at the notion, that’s ok, we control that too. If we truly revealed all the ways we control you, your head would explode like in our movie “Scanners”, which we created to show you what happens when you try to defeat us. Not to mention our film, “They Live”, in which we satirized how we are controlling you. We handpicked Roddy Piper for the role, as a way to test whether or not he was worthy of joining The Order. He wasn’t. You’re not either. 

We control your mind through everything you like. That hoodie you’re wearing, our design. The thin television you watch sports on? You guessed it, we already own you. Don’t have a television? You’re lying. Really, you don’t? Crap. I mean, no we knew that already. 

We control your thoughts in very nuanced fashion. Hate Lebron James? Want the Spurs to win? We made him move to Miami. We also shut down the air conditioning in San Antonio, solidifying your hate for him when he was carried off the court like a baby. It’s not just pop culture either. We pull the strings of all belief systems, in politics. Hate government? Meet our puppet Alex Jones. Love government, meet our puppet Obama. 

The reason why we are disclosing these facts is simple, we’re throwing you a bone. Every now and again we throw you information to see if you’ll bite, and right when you nod your head we pull the choke chain. Just when you think you have an independent thought, you forget that you’ve already signed off your rights, it’s in the fine print of the terms of service to your phone. Yeah, we own telecom too. 

We’ve taken over, deal with it.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Slippery Slope

Now you can have something to do in the bathtub and always reach the soap. The soap slide is ready and waiting for you.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Stories of the Order - Groundhog Day

The Sovereign Order doesn’t like the joy of spring, so they created a metaphysical solution. But of course, the general public can’t handle this notion of a cabal pulling strings, so the decision was made to include a furry animal. How further could humanity be made to look even more idiotic? The order picked a groundhog to signal whether or not winter would continue. Of course the furry creature has nothing to do with what is really going on, and despite what people think, the order decides the temperature and the way the seasons move forward.

A global cabal of sovereignty is behind all seasonal changes for that matter, including this notion of global warming. Why do you think Al Gore was profiting off the notion of debunked science? That’s right, the Sovereign Order pulled those strings, all the way to the bank. Nothing is done in regards to the temperature without our doing, but hey, Bill Murray isn’t such a bad guy so we worked on the movie. The Sovereign Order also controls time, just so you know.

For those that are celebrating in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, watch out. The Order can and will enter your homes and take whatever it is we’d like, while you’re amidst clueless idiots watching our puppet regime celebrate 6 more weeks of winter or if we’re feeling benevolent a bit of spring sunshine. Whatever the case is, we own it all, and create holidays like this in order to usurp attention from what we’re really up to. Trying to get Bill Murray to join the order. Never mind.
Groundhog Day the film, is semi-biographical, as we have control of the world’s time machines, and have created loops in the system that only Einstein (former member of The Order), started to talk about in his writings. Notice how he’s no longer around. Yeah, that’s what happens when you leak secrets.

By the way, you’re welcome.